Snappypants bringing you the Best in Purile and Crude Humor

Please enjoy Todays Meme and some Vintage Humor

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines 

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized? 
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in. 
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? 
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat. 

 A Small Problem 

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks. 
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' 

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!'' 

''How!?!?!?'' she asks. 

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.'' 

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks. 

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers. 

''How did you know that?'' she wonders. 

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''' 



A Woman's Four Favorite Animals 


A mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!


After the Honeymoon... 

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. 
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." 

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" 

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!'' 


Airplane Hijinx 

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane. 
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose. 

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second. 

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?" 


Bathtub Anxieties 

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. 
"Can I touch it?" 

"No way -- you already broke yours off!" 


Choosing a Wife 


There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

SNOW IN JUNE

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

TURNING HIM ON!

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

SHARING GOOD NEWS

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust."

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy, he added,

"But confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, .........me, too."

ABSTINENCE

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

CINDERELLA

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.

Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked.

The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM... At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"

Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."

A DENTIST AND HIS PATIENT

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"

A CUCUMBER, A PICKLE & A DICK

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were working in a pickle cutting factory. Beaudreaux said "I'll give you $50 if you stick your dick in the pickle cutter." Thibodeaux said, "I don't know, but ok." So Thibodeaux go fired. He went home to his wife and said,  "Honey, i got fired today." She said, "What happened?" Thibodeaux said, "I stuck my dick in the pickle cutter." His wife said, "Oh my gosh is it alright?" He said, "Oh yes." She said, "Well what happed to the pickle cutter?" He said, "Oh, she got fired too!"

If there's anything as funny as the Internet, nobody wants to hear about it. Comedians and cartoonists alike have realized that the Internet and the Web are the most sure-fire source of humor since someone first said "Hey! I can talk just like John Wayne!"

Being old hands at Internet humor, we at the Brunching Shuttlecocks decided we'd help out those who might need a little "nudge.com" to get started.

Level One: Magazines and other publications skewed towards an older audience -- such as The New Yorker or any newspaper with less than three pages of comics -- need only mention the Internet, or anything associated with it, to "drive the information superhighway" of humor.

Level Two: For more culturally acclimated readers, you may need to put in the effort needed to mention the Internet in an unusual context, like church or a zoo. When in doubt, add a "dot com" to any word and you've "uploaded" hilarity!

Level Three: Looking to seem "techno-savvy" about the Internet without having to actually learn anything? All you need is to pick a word you don't understand out of the Tech section of your local paper, and make a pun on it! It's easy! You don't even need to know what it means!

That's all there is to it! Remember these rules and you'll be "mousing over" the "instant messaging" that "configures" the Internet into a "RAID array" of hilarious "processor cycles!" Good luck and as they say in the chat rooms, "RTFMLO!"