Here at SnappyPants
We feel it is our duty to bring You the home viewer the latest
in product safety information
New Beer Labels
Due to increasing products liability
litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion
that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer
containers
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you can logically converse with other members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting
your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the
leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
This Safety warning has been brought to
you by:
Rheingold Beer. Helping Ugly People have
Sex since 1895!
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The Christian Action Network, a
Florida-based fundamentalist group that seeks attention by
calling for boycotts, called for a boycott of Disney World this
week because of an annual, non-park sponsored event called "Gay
Days" during which Gay people show up to the park and aren't
beaten up by the Christian Action Network.
The group demands the park to "warn"
families who plan on going to the park when gay people show up
en masse and will boycott until such time.
We here at the SnappyPants feel
that is not enough. There is plenty of other debauchery to be
found at Disney World, and an unsuspecting public must be
protected.
WARNING: Body Wars Causes Gender
Confusion
Body Wars is an Epcot ride that
transports the audience into the body of a man, where Elizabeth
Shue resides. Impressionable youth might believe there's a
popular actress inside of their bodies too, and no telling what
they'll do to get her out.
WARNING: "Pee-Pee" is easily substituted
for "Tiki" In The "Enchanted Tiki Room"
It's inevitable -- some 13-year-old,
stuck with his younger siblings in the 1960s-era "Enchanted Tiki
Room" will, to pass the time, substitute "Pee-Pee" for "Tiki" in
the catchy "Tiki-tiki-tiki room" song, and thus make said
younger siblings giggle. Such urological humor is suggestive and
could lead to accidents by the incontinent.
WARNING: "Ellen's Energy Adventure"
Features Lesbian Energy
On the plus side, Epcot's "Universe of
Energy", (brought to you by Exxon) does have a lot of discussion
of fossil fuels. But lesbian host Ellen Degeneres may cause kids
to question their sexuality as they are overcome by the wonders
of oil and natural gas.
WARNING: "Mike Fink Keelboats" Not As
Fun As It Looks
Okay, this is not really a moral or
ethical boycott. But trust me, after waiting a half hour, it
really is kind of a let-down.
WARNING: "Pirates of Caribbean" Loses
Kids' Religion
Everburning flames at the end of the
ride are an impressive special effect, but might steer kids away
from the true miracle of the burning bush.
WARNING: It's Not Really A Small World
Young kids will be confused by both the
possibility that the world is easily traversed by small boat,
and that, if dressed in ethno-stereotypical garb, people will
get along with one another.
WARNING: The Main Street Candy Shop has
Revolving, Vibrating Musical Lollipops.
Kids could easily purchase these
lollipops and use them for activities other than their original
licking, sucking, and song-play purpose. Plus, it's just wrong.
WARNING: Minnie Looks A Hell Of A Lot
Like Mickey In A Dress
The same is true for that female duck
Donald sometimes hangs out with.
WARNING: "Orgasmic" Is Easily
Substituted For "Fantasmic" In The Fantasmic Show
Says it all.
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