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It's
enough that you have to pay and quarter the useless fools -- but
you have to buy them equipment, too? Fortunately, villainsupply
can help.
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 When
I chat with other supervillains, they often ask me,
"What kind of benefits do you offer your
underlings?" To which I answer, "'Benefits'??
It's benefit enough that I allow them the honor of
serving me, before I casually kill them off!"
HENCHMEN
ARE NOT "EMPLOYEES" -- THEY ARE SLAVES!
Benefits,
my ass! Any time one of those idiots annoys me, I kill
him -- imagine if I had to pay for burials! I'd go
broke! That's why I keep man-eating boars, for crying
out loud. Even the bikini girls by the lagoon have to
pay their own dental. What am I, a charity?
-- Professor Von Strychnine, S.U.B.Ve.R.T. |
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THE
ORIGINAL ASSASSIN'S BOWLER HAT
Whether
popularized by effete British secret agents, or by the
silent Asian henchmen of gold-loving megalomaniacs, the
steel-rimmed bowler hat is the wepaon de choix of
the sophisticated, double-breasted killer. Hand-crafted
by Croup & Vandemaar Haberdashery of London (Below),
this magnificent hat is formed from high-quality brown
or black felt with a pure silk inner lining. The rim is
a specially-manufactured stainless-steel ring with a
keen blade edge that will never dull with normal usage;
the rim's felt is specially treated to repel blood and
gore. The hat is weighted for throwing, and in our tests
split an oak two-by-four at 100 feet.
Prices
start at US$699.99; please note hat size
*cleaning kit only US$29.99
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SAP
Evil
On A Budget, Inc. presents the original henchperson
accouterment. No lackey or thug deserves the moniker
without a genuine American-made sap. Fine cured leather,
filled with iron shot. Small and large sizes.
Price:
US$8.95 Large, US$4.95 Small
* not legal for personal use in CA, MO,
SD, and Guam. Like you care.
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HENCHPERSON
UNIFORM MK I
The
traditional silver lamé jumpsuit, available in S, M, L,
XL, and XXL. Choose from 8 belt and boot colors: Gold,
Yellow, Lemon, Cadmium, Saffron, Cintrine, Amber, and
Quince. From Evil On A Budget, Inc.
Price:
US$39.99; purchase 100 or more for US$20.00 each.
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HENCHPERSON
UNIFORM MK II
The
serious supervillain hires serious henchmen; and those
henchmen wear serious uniforms. Originally designed for
security guards at the Microsoft campus, these uniforms
complete with kevlar jumpsuit, canvas belt, hip boots,
metallic sash, and combination protective helmet/gas
mask. Jumpsuit comes with snap or Velcro fly. Available
in Black, Charcoal, Ebony, Jet, Pitch, Raven, and Soot.
Price:
US$99.99; purchase 20 or more for US$79.99 each.
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ZOMBIFICATION
SYSTEM
Are
your henchmen unreliable? Willful? Always demanding
"perks" like medical care, food, or pay? Well,
you won't have those problems when you convert your
entire workforce in ZOMBIES! It's convenient and FUN!
Just kill your henchman (see, it's fun already), and
then follow the simple instructions. Your once-whiny
henchman becomes a faithful living-dead slave in just
minutes! Amuse your evil friends!
Price:
US$199.99 per kit
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ASSASSIN'S
BLADE MEETS HIGH COUTURE FASHION
If
you've ever tried to arm your femmes fatale or
bikini girls, you know how picky they can be about
accessories. That's why Mode de Meurtrier of Paris
presents their line of high couture assassination
blades, guaranteed to slit the toughest throat while
letting your fatal beauty feel she's looking her best.
Invite our fashion consultant to your lair or secret
base, and your sexy subordinates will be thrilled by our
wide selection of fatal accoutrements, available in this
year's trendiest colors and styles. We do custom work to
match any outfit.
Prices
start at US$1299.99.
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HENCHPERSON
CYBERNETIC UPGRADE
Your
henchmen can shoot, and kick, and run, and yell, and hit
people on the back of the head with a sap. But can they
shoot flaming napalm 30 meters with deadly accuracy?
Only if they get the Mengele Medical Biotech Cybernetic
Upgrade. Includes subdermal plating, ocular implants,
and the replacement of one arm with a high-tech napalm
gun.* No refunds.
Price:
US$6,000,000 per henchperson
* Original arm can not be returned.
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HENCHPERSON
CLONING SYSTEM
Tired
of looking for new henchmen every time you slay one in a
fit of pique, or when they die defending your fortress
from the agents of "responsible agencies?"
Then turn to the new science of CLONING! Everyone's
doing it! One henchman can become twenty in under an
hour! The CosmiDyne Cloning System comes with complete
lab facilities and twenty Replikation Pods. CosmiDyne
Undifferentiated Phenotype Replikation Paste™ sold
separately.
Price:
US$19,999,999.99; Replikation Paste $99.99/liter
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REPLICADYNE
SYSTEMS HENCHBOT 3000
Cloning?
Zombies? Cybernetic "upgrades?" Bah! There's
no henchman as loyal, reliable, and cheap as a ROBOT
HENCHMAN. And the Replicadyne Systems Henchbot 3000 is
the NUMBER ONE robotic henchman on the market. His
internal battery lasts 10 HOURS, and recharges in only
four hours. His spoken vocabulary is 100 words, and he
can operate both an automatic rifle and a laser pistol
(software extra). Other activities include crushing,
bashing, stomping, slowly chasing, and serving tea. And
over 92% of Henchbot 3000s sold have NEVER turned
against their masters, ten-percent more than the next
best-selling henchbot in this price range!
Price:
US$25,000,000 each
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