ADAMANTIUM STEEL BONES

You'll be kicking ass and taking names when you have every bone in your body coated in patented Adamantium Steel!™ Yes, Canada's Weapon X Program has been privatized, and now you can take advantage of this advanced medical technology! First, every bone in your body is surgically removed,* then lovingly coated in industrial-grade adamantium. Once your bones are replaced,** you're a lean,*** mean, killing machine!****

Price: CA$12,000,000 (razor claws upgrade extra; not availible in Manitoba)
*This process is excruciatingly painful.
**This process is even more painful than the removal.
***Addition of metal to bones may double or triple your body weight.
****Warranty covers extra protection for bones only. The following side effects are not covered: relative vulnerability of other body tissues; inability of muscles to move and support metal-laden bones; inability of the metal-laden bones to produce red blood cells, leading to susceptibility to disease and death; deafness due to metal-laden earbones; adamantium poisoning.

IRRADIATED ENTOMOLOGICAL ENHANCEMENT KIT

Evil On A Budget, Inc. knows that most of us aren't born with beneficial genetic mutations, or with alien DNA, or with access to a global super-conglomerate with the resources to produce super-powered devices. That's we offer the Irradiated Entomological Enhancement Kit. This secure canister is filled with a variety* of live, irradiated insects. Just allow these insects to bite you and inject their irradiated serum** into your bloodstream. There's a good chance*** that you will develop insect-related superpowers! And the whole kit is only $299.99!****

Price: US$299.99
*we choose the insects; we guarantee at least a dozen different insects and arachnids.
**well, poison, actually
***maybe not a "good chance"; it's actually 1 in 100,000,000,000. But that's why we give you 12 insects!
****FedEx adds a $29.99 surcharge for the shipment of irradiated microfauna.

LEARN MAGIC AND THRILL KILL YOUR FRIENDS!

Wish you had the power to control men's minds, reshape Creation like clay, and mold Reality to your whim? Then learn magic. No, not stupid parlor tricks, but the Dark Arts of Thaumaturgy, Sorcery, and Necromancy. Our EZ Magic Kit comes with real human-skull cup, birchwood wand, silver Satanic blade, thaumaturgical components*, cup trick, three foam balls, and instruction book. 30-day money-back guarantee.**

Price: US$495.00
*May include some but not all of the following: congealed baby's blood, unicorn horn, wormwood extract, monkey semen, nightingale liver, tiger's ocular jelly, bat wing, witch's dried menstrual blood, chalk made from the ground bones of virgins, parchment made from the skin of Christian babies, devil's horn, dried stag's penis, MSG, powder of Jesus' foreskin, Carpathian tomb soil, a leprous hand, and/or kosher salt.
**Guarantee void if Dr. Strange gets word of what you're up to.

MECHASKIN ROBOTIC ARMOR

In the past, robotic armor has always been bulky, slow, and graceless. Akkana Industries has attacked the problem with typical Japanese efficiency, to produce the new generation of robotic body armor. The MechaSkin System is light and durable, composed entirely of curcuit-embedded adamantium-aluminum alloy. Each unit is body molded to fit the customer, offering full-body protection against light arms, heavy weapons, heat and cold rays, radiation, and low-yield nukes. The suit also affords the wearer preternatural speed and agility; survival under water, in space, and in high-pressure or extreme temperature environments; and most importantly, comfort. Best of all, the unit runs on your body's own chi energy! Never worry about batteries again!*

Price: ¥22,500,000
*unit has been successfully tested on wu shu artists & buddhist masters who have high-energy chi reserves; untrained Westerners may experience weakness, fatigue, rapid aging, and death.

WDT BODY MECHA DELUXE

World Domination Technologies, LLC. is dedicated to dominating the Robot Body Armor market (amongst other things). Forget those flimsy tin suits from Japan -- the WDT Body Mecha Deluxe is the real deal. Titanium armor 3" thick; robotic movement, including jumping (18' verticle, 36' horizontal) and running (35 mph city, 42 mph highway); dual heavy missile launchers; dual heavy machine guns; rocket pack for extended flight. And it's available in a variety of colors and patterns.

Price: US$25,000,000
*please include sizing information: height, weight, and inseam.

URBAN BREAKER: FIRE KAISER

From our crafty little friends from Lovely Nippon Villain Kyen Kyen LLC, the state-of-the-art in urban combat battle mecha armor. The Urban Breaker: Fire Kaiser runs on bio-energy cell packs, and give its wearer super-strength and -agility, flight, over 10,000 pre-programmed martial arts routines, and resistance to all forms of bio-mechanical energy. And it comes in designer colors: Sanguine, Bruise, Orange Blossom, and Cobalt.

Price: ¥272,000,000
*please include sizing information: height, weight, and inseam.

Mut•VIII•R GENETIC RESEQUENCER

Oh, sure, everyone wants to be a mutant, but how many people are born that lucky? Why leave it up to nature when Mengele Medical's Mut•VIII•R Genetic Resequencer can turn YOU into a superpowered mutant? Just expose yourself to the patented "M-Rays®," and within minutes you'll be ready to kick some heroic ass!* Choose from eye beams, super-strength, mentalism, flight, metamorphing, razor claws, and many more!**

Price: US$100,000,000
*powered by fragments of the planet Xigor, sold seperately
**may also cause physical deformities, Cystic Fibrosis, Down's Syndrome, spina bifida, Huntington's Disease, and cancer.

METAPSYCHIC BIONIC IMPLANT

Remember Synaptor The Mental Man? He could telekinetically move mountains, control the minds of entire cities, and knew the plans of his "heroic" adversaries before they did. Ah, the good old days. Well, before Synaptor was cruelly cut down in his prime by the Absolute Defender UK, his bio-organic pineal waves were measured and analyzed. And now, after years of intense research, the folks at Global Domination Technologies, LLC have duplicated Synaptor's powers!* Our lightweight unit is implanted at the base of the neck**, with micro-nano-probes extending into the brain, exciting the psionic centers with small gamma radiation blasts.*** World Domination is within your grasp!

Price: US$225,000,000 includes installation.
*results may vary
**connected by cable to battery worn in small of back
***caused brain tumors in animal tests subjects (before they erased the researchers' minds, escaped, and founded their own psychic animal dictatorship in Zambia)

THE LOC-NAR

A green cosmic orb of mysterious origin, the Loc-Nar has consumed or destroyed most of those who have tried to possess it. Are you willing to take the risk in exchange for the powers of a GOD? Destroy planets with the wave of a hand; consume galaxies and influence friends. Do YOU have what it takes?*

Price: Negotiable (seller seeks physical immortality and freedom from the soul-crushing horror of the Loc-Nar; will entertain any serious offer)
*92% of those who possess the Loc-Nar are destroyed by it.
**There is in every generation born a person called The Guardian who can destroy the Loc-Nar. Avoid this individual.